Understanding God’s Heart for Stepfamilies – II

Jim Daly: When Susan's full term baby died in her womb, she was devastated. She wondered if she could ever trust God again.
Susan: And so Focus on the Family um really was monumentally instrumental in teaching me this truth and healing me from the grief of losing a child.
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Laura Petherbridge: And I want us all to be happy and I want us all to love each other and sit at Thanksgiving like we're all a biological family. You've got to lower your expectations.
John Fuller: Mm.
Laura Petherbridge: So there's nothing wrong with relaxing and not forcing the blend.
John Fuller: Well, that's step mom and author Laura Petherbridge describing ways that you can promote well-being in your step family. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: You know, John, oftentimes when we do a second day with a guest, it's because they know their stuff and Laura knows her stuff. She doesn't have notes. She's speaking from the heart and from this great book that she's written, Step Families of the Bible, Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. I would add to that all families because the themes that she's talking about are are generally good for all of us on communication, how to work things out, whether it's with a step parent or you're estranged divorced parent or in an intact family. I mean, you need communication and that's what we covered last time. If you missed it, get the app and you can look at the whole library of shows in addition to Laura's program with us last time and that'll catch you up to speed. There was so much good content in there.
John Fuller: Yeah, and we're also of course on YouTube. So the point is get the content that we heard last time. Now Laura has written a number of books and today we're leaning into the one that Jim mentioned, Step Families of the Bible. And you can learn more about our guest and the book at our website. Laura, good to have you back. That was a great first day we had. So thanks thanks for coming back and
Laura Petherbridge: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Jim Daly: sticking with us here. You know, it's funny. We talked off mic here a moment ago. We talked about how you must be a great girlfriend to these moms and step moms cuz you just have great wisdom about what you went through. For those that didn't hear last time, I mean, your mom and dad divorced. I think your your mom remarried how many times?
Laura Petherbridge: No, my dad remarried twice.
Jim Daly: Oh. Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: And my mom was with who I call my step dad for 25 years. They never legally married. No, they were Catholic, so they couldn't marry in the Catholic church and they didn't want to marry outside the Catholic church.
Jim Daly: But they never married. Yeah, wow. Wow, that's a conundrum.
Laura Petherbridge: Yes, it was.
Jim Daly: But you know, as a child, you know, I came from that kind of broken home. My mom and dad divorced when I was five, but in that context you're learning a lot as a child about what is broken here. Why is this not working the way it should work, the way it works for all my friends? You know, especially back then when we were young.
Laura Petherbridge: Yes.
Jim Daly: Uh you have written this book about Step Families of the Bible. We touched on this last time. Many people don't realize the Bible is chock full of step families and let's elaborate a little bit more about Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar who really was an example for you about the bickering going on.
Laura Petherbridge: Yeah, it's so amazing that family that lived, you know, thousands of years ago faced the exact same emotions. And that's what I tried to do in this book is to label the most common emotion that we feel in step family, in step family life and how to overcome it. And then use these step families to say, how did they overcome those emotions that are negative and bring it around?
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: Or not bring it around and look at the consequence because they didn't. So things like fear and rage and resentment and jealousy. See, there's tons of that in step families and we see that in these Old Testament step families, but they will teach us how to overcome those emotions. So for Sarah and Hagar and numerous other two female wives in the Old Testament, there is this bitterness and resentment and jealousy over the children. One can have a child, the other one can't or one wants more children. We have to remember back then a woman's sole role was produce a male heir.
Jim Daly: Right.
Laura Petherbridge: That was her claim to fame. That was her only significance. And if you didn't do that, you were much more than less than. So that's what stirs the fight for these two women, Hagar and Sarah. And boy, they really hate each other.
Jim Daly: Yeah, that's so amazing that those common things. You know, when I I've not studied that part of scripture to go in depth, but Abraham to me is your typical guy.
Laura Petherbridge: He is.
Jim Daly: He's just distant from it. Like, you know, you guys figure it out. I he doesn't really engage it that I recall. Am I missing it?
Laura Petherbridge: No, he he's so I feel bad for these guys sometimes cuz they feel so caught in the middle. You know, if I go to the right, this one's mad at me. If I go to the left, that one's mad at me. I can't keep anybody happy here.
Jim Daly: Right. I 'm going to go take a look at the herd.
Laura Petherbridge: You know, exactly. So that's very common of men today.
John Fuller: So I'm a little interested in the dynamic here because Sarah didn't seem to be mad at Hagar at first. She offered Hagar as the surrogate.
Laura Petherbridge: She did.
John Fuller: So the bitterness developed and then it became so great that there had to be kind of a separation. That wasn't necessarily the best way to deal with it, wasn't it?
Laura Petherbridge: Right. She knew she didn't have any other option or she didn't believe God. That's where we need to start cuz God told them they were going to have a baby. But as she got older, she was like, you know, I must have heard this wrong or something. And of course that 's not biblical wording, but you know, obviously she's getting more and more angry that this thing that she needs to give her husband is not happening. And so she gives Hagar to her husband to create a son that will be hers. Now when Hagar starts belly starts to grow and she sees that happening, that's when the jealousy, resentment, inflammation, she is livid that this woman is giving her husband the very thing she wants more in the than in the whole world.
Jim Daly: Right. And then yeah, then that jealousy gets even hotter.
Laura Petherbridge: Yep. Yes.
Jim Daly: We all read these stories and think of it in kind of this biblical context like these people were different from us and somehow you know, closer to God than us or whatever we might imagine about that, but there's nothing new under the sun.
Laura Petherbridge: Right.
Jim Daly: They are us. You kind of live this as well in your own experience, right?
Laura Petherbridge: I did.
Jim Daly: In terms of becoming a step mom and who do you feel more like, Hagar or
Laura Petherbridge: Oh boy, that's a good question. Well, I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.
Jim Daly: Yeah. Congratulations.
Laura Petherbridge: Now you need to understand that in step family step family years are sort of like dog years. So that's really like 250 years of being married. Right. I'm being funny, but um so there have been so many emotions. That's probably why God nudged me to write this because every emotion that I describe in these chapters I've probably felt at sometime or the other.
Jim Daly: That's what makes scripture so real.
Laura Petherbridge: I know it. Isn't that You know, when people say the Bible isn't relevant, I'm like, what Bible are you reading? Because all you have to do is look at Jacob, look at King David, look at any of these, Joseph and his brothers, anybody that has had even a touch of step family living, they'll go that's in my own backyard.
Jim Daly: Mm.
Laura Petherbridge: And look at how long ago that was. I mean, let's just look at Joseph and his half brothers for just one second. They hated him and that was because Daddy favored him because he was the child that came from the woman he loved. Well, I see this all the time in step families. You know, a man will marry his first wife. He has kids. Doesn't mean he doesn't love those kids, but he has kids. Okay, that marriage doesn't work. He ends up I hate that woman. She drove me crazy. You know, I'm I'm away from her. Now she's the wicked witch. And maybe she is. I don't know. He remarries and now this is the love of my life. I'm going to have another baby. And sometimes that baby gets all the attention. Not always. Many couples are very fair between their step kids and their biological kids. What we call an hour's baby in step family world. But it is not at all uncommon for the parents to lavish that child differently than the step children or the other the children from the first family. And even if they are doing exactly the same to that child, it feels like mom or dad created a new family and I'm now on the outside.
Jim Daly: You lived it again as a child. Describe that cuz I think it gives you great credibility, but you and your brother
Laura Petherbridge: I did. I did. Yes.
Jim Daly: and then your dad's remarriage and then they had children. They had a baby and they had she had two children, correct?
Laura Petherbridge: They had a baby. That's right. And my father adopted her two children.
Jim Daly: So they took on all of your last name.
Laura Petherbridge: That's right.
Jim Daly: So what was that feeling? Describe it for us if we haven't lived in that situation. What happened?
Laura Petherbridge: That feels like my father has a new family and I'm no longer inside that circle. Now my dad nor my step mother were ever cruel or nasty or anything like that. I'm not trying to portray they were mean in any way, but even her children are getting my father full time. Like they get to live with my biological father, the Daddy I miss cuz I don't get to see him or hug him or kiss him. I come from a big Italian family. Lots of that going on. And so they get my Daddy 24/7. And I only get to see him on Sunday afternoons. And then now that he's married, I've got to share him even on those days. Do I get that afternoon to just go have pizza with my dad and just sit and talk to him and hug him? Do I have him all to myself? No. We're trying to become the Brady Bunch. So I even have to share that time that I only get with my dad. I've got to share it with his new family. And now his new child and see men are different with their as they get older as a dad. My father had so much fun with my half brother. And I loved that. I was happy for him, but he would laugh. He would think this kid was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Jim Daly: Right. He wasn't as strict.
Laura Petherbridge: Right.
Jim Daly: I know what that code word is.
Laura Petherbridge: Yes. And he just had more fun. You could see him look at him and think he was just wonderful. And what went through my mind was my dad doesn't look at me like that anymore. He's got this new baby. I'm 18. How am I going to compare with that? And so he didn't do anything wrong.
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: But I was outside the circle now.
Jim Daly: Yeah. Was there any way I mean, this was perhaps too much of a burden at 18? Was there any way or did you think about it at that time to actually sit with him and to express those things?
Laura Petherbridge: No, because I knew my step mother would not like that.
Jim Daly: Wow. Yeah, all the dynamics.
Laura Petherbridge: And see, I was a people pleaser.
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: You know, my dad had to slip me money under the table when I was getting married. He had to slip me cash under the table. So she didn't know.
Jim Daly: So she didn't see it. Cuz she would go after him for doing that. Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: She'd be mad at at him, you know, cuz he was had paid child support and there was always fighting about the money. And so I knew and see, I'm such a people pleaser or was then such a co-dependent that I didn't want to say or do anything that would make them angry with me. So I just kept it all inside.
Jim Daly: You know, how does a step mom in those situations or step dad, where do they find support, you know, outside of the family that they can go and talk with and not make it a gripe session, but how do they just find, you know, you're okay, you're not going crazy, this is normal for these situations, whatever that means. But where do you find that help?
Laura Petherbridge: Well, Jim, you're hitting a runner with me because I wish I could say that in the 25 years I've been doing this that the church is better at this. Barna just came out with their newest statistics in November of last year. 53% of children under the age of 18 are growing up in complex families.
Jim Daly: Righ.
Laura Petherbridge: That's the phrase they're using. That means single parent, co-parent, and step families.
Jim Daly: Can I add a little thing cuz I've seen that data?
Laura Petherbridge: Sure.
Jim Daly: This is the inverse of that data. Less than half, the minority now of children 0 to 18 live in biological mom and dad's home.
Laura Petherbridge: That's right.
Jim Daly: That's also what that says. But what is it that they can do? What what would be if you could wave that one? Laura, answer this prayer. Okay, I'll answer your one prayer, Laura. And you give it to him. What does it look like for a church to do the things they need to do?
Laura Petherbridge: Yes. Yep. They could say that if they really believe in saving marriages, that we want to save the step family marriages.
Jim Daly: Yeah, you don't want that disaster again.
Laura Petherbridge: Exactly. That's why I do what I do. Nobody hates divorce more than me. It almost killed me. And so I wish I could get through to the pastors for they to understand step families have a very different need than biological families. You cannot use the same material, the same resources, and the same thinking with a step family as you do a biological first time marriage because their needs are different.
Jim Daly: I hadn't thought about it this way, but let me say this and get your response to it. Even here at Focus on the Family for years, you know, back in the day, we avoided this topic a bit because we weren't comfortable sensing that some might feel that we're condoning divorce by helping step families.
Laura Petherbridge: That's the exact reason.
Jim Daly: Hit that one out of the park and the importance back to help a family where they're at.
Laura Petherbridge: Yes. If the church would just start talking about this and helping these couples and not assuming that all of their marriages are formed on sin because not all of them are birthed out of sin. My marriage wasn't birthed out of sin. Both my husband and I our spouses walked out on us in the first marriage. And so I realize it's a touchy subject. It's a hard subject. I keep asking God to give me something easier. I think I hear him laughing.
Jim Daly: How to parent a two year old. That's your next assignment.
Laura Petherbridge: Something easy.
John Fuller: Now we want to activate your church. So whether you're a pastor or maybe just a parishioner, get this book, Step Families of the Bible, Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. Go through it and go through it with a group and take those steps that Laura is talking about and come alongside and help these step families that are all around us. Maybe your own. We've got copies of the book at our website and that's focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Laura, let me go back to Joseph. It's such a funny story. I was the last born, so I can at least relate to that with Joseph. Yeah, I don't think I would share the story that you know, all my brothers and sisters are bowing down to me and my dreams, but you know, he had some hutzpah. In that context, you talk about the power of forgiveness in the story of Joseph. It's so beautiful and that's the real story. We're all acting poorly in the way that that family reacted to Joseph and even in the beginning how Joseph pretty much reacted pretty well. You know, he was just moving along in life, but they threw him in a hole. They were going to leave him to die there and then one of the brothers came up the grand idea, let's sell him and that way we can make a little bit of money. We'll tell Dad he was eaten by a lion. I mean, think of all the gyrations of this narration they're creating. But speak to the forgiveness portion.
Laura Petherbridge: I love There were two parts in writing this that I had read many many times in the Bible and this was one of them. When Joseph is weeping, it says he was weeping so hard that even the servants were questioning what is going on. What is happening here? He has to remove himself from his brothers. He sees Benjamin, his biological brother. That's the only one that's his full biological brother. He's so moved by seeing his brother and the grief of all of it that he goes to another room. And of course they don't know yet that it's their brother. And so he is that statement, the scripture where it says that the servants were just alarmed by how loudly he was grieving and weeping. And if you've ever cried like that, you know, it's such a guttural animalistic kind of cry. You know, you know it was that and that it took Joseph to that place that we know that's where the forgiveness then was birthed and started and and he comes back and then says, I'm your brother and I'm not going to kill you and you know, so that the beauty of the story and he forgives. He forgives and so that emotion, the second point that hit me like that was the dawning on me that Jesus's own half brothers.
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: I never thought about the fact that Mary and Mary Magdalene and John are at the foot of the cross and that Jesus is in such a position that he's got to give his mother away because back in that day a widow was in big trouble if they didn't have a son.
Jim Daly: That was the social services of the day was the the son to take care of the mom.
Laura Petherbridge: Yes. Exactly. It was mandatory. If you didn't want your mother to be destroyed and he has to give his mother to John, the youngest of the disciples because there's no other brother there to give her to. Her own biological sons were not there at the foot of the cross because that's how much they despised him and rejected him. His own half siblings. Wow. I've never thought about that before. Yeah. And now granted, let's give him a little grace. They probably were afraid that they were going to get murdered because if they're killing Jesus and I'm his brother, they're going to probably kill me too. So there's a piece of me that can extend a little bit of grace that way, but I just went the rejection. He knows rejection from a half sibling. My own half sibling wants nothing to do with me, me, Laura. I've done nothing that I know of that would cause him to do that. Jesus gets that pain.
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: Because his own half siblings rejected him.
Jim Daly: That was exactly where I was going to go with the remaining time is to talk about the half sibling or step sibling relationship. Some of them probably are very good. You know, and there's a bonding there and they shared experiences together and you know, they get along, but so often you hear of your story that you don't even communicate. It's a strange. What should a person do? I mean, what how do you manage that if it's difficult?
Laura Petherbridge: You cannot force those step family relationships. They have to form organically. But a parent and a step parent can do things that would encourage or nurture those relationships. I have a brother that I'm very very close to and he went through a divorce and he married a woman with two children. I am so happy to see that my four cuz I call them family. I don't have nieces and step niece and nephew. They they are my four nieces and nephew. They all view each other as siblings. They call each other brother and sister. So some do form that. And they were young. There was a lot of wounding. The my nieces, their mother walked out. So there was there was a lot of pain there. But there's formed organically and they just grew up in the same home. There was a lot of fighting and during teenage years some of that didn't go well, but now that they're adults, they like each other.
Jim Daly: Yeah, that's good.
Laura Petherbridge: Yeah, they're so some do form that.
Jim Daly: You heard a conversation at an airport. I think you overheard this conversation. I've overheard lots of conversations at airports, but this one pertains to what we're talking about. What did you hear a grandmother say to another grandmother?
Laura Petherbridge: I heard these two older women behind me in the airport and the one lady was talking about her son getting remarried and that the kids were refusing to accept the brothers and sisters from the other home. The mistake these parents were making, the parent and step parent, was they were trying to force these kids. They were saying, this is not your step brother. This is your brother. This is not your step sister. This is your sister. See, there's this new mantra that we don't use the word step. We somehow imagine that if we just remove the word step family that everybody's going to love each other. And so that's what these parents were trying to do. The son to this woman and his new wife, they were refusing to use the word step family or blended family and they were trying to force these kids to view each other as brothers and sisters. And of course the grandma was furious with these kids. Why won't they just do it? Why won't they just view them as their brother or sister? And it took every ounce of strength the Holy Spirit can give a person for me not to turn around and explain to this woman.
Jim Daly: May have been good. I don't know.
Laura Petherbridge: She didn't she didn't seem very teachable.
Jim Daly: Okay, that's fair. That's fair. You know, let's uh end on some high notes here, the the right things to do so that advice space in the book. What are some of those bright spots that you can point to to say to step parents, uh here are some victories, here are some ways to get some wins. What would you think of?
Laura Petherbridge: Yes. Using that last story we just talked about, it's okay to say to your kid, you know, you don't have to love this person. You don't even have to like this person, whether it's a step sibling or the step parent, but you do have to respect this person. They live in our home and we live with respect, especially if it's a Christian home. You're not allowed to speak that way. You're not allowed to steal or hit them or anything like that. Laying those boundaries and understanding what are realistic boundaries. It's when we push the step family dynamic and expect the kids to view everybody as biological family. And see, we want it so badly as the adults because we view this new relationship. It's a new love. I went through pain before and now I'm in love again and I want us all to be happy and I want us all to love each other and sit at Thanksgiving like we're all a biological family. You've got to lower your expectations that it's may not happen that way and that it's unrealistic, especially to think it's going to happen quickly.
Jim Daly: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: So there's nothing wrong with relaxing and not forcing the blend.
Jim Daly: Yeah, and it's so good and it's good like with anything. And I've said it throughout the two days we've been talking together, communication is critical. And really assume your eight nine year old can understand things that that are important. And talk to them. Talk to them about what they're feeling and what they're sensing and and try to pull out of them, you know, those emotions. Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: And do that privately. You know, if my dad would have just taken me aside and taken me to lunch or taken me and said, how are you doing with this whole thing? You know, I know it's a lot of change for you. It would have given me the feeling that my dad cared how I was feeling about this.
Jim Daly: Yeah. You know, even that question I asked you in that way, I was making the assumption that you as an 18 year old would have to carry the the ball. It should have been him.
Laura Petherbridge: That's right.
Jim Daly: It should have been the adult that came to you, your dad, and said those things to you like, where have I fallen short? How can I do better? And if you're a step parent, wow, that's powerful.
Laura Petherbridge: It is powerful.
Jim Daly: I don't care what age your child is. I remember the first time I apologized to Trent for handling a discipline issue in a way I shouldn't have. And he just smiled so big and I said, why are you smiling like that? And he said, I didn't know parents had to apologize.
Laura Petherbridge: Wow.
Jim Daly: There's a lot in that statement. And he was probably seven.
Laura Petherbridge: There sure is. Mm.
Jim Daly: So they children catch a lot more and understand a lot more than we adults give them credit for. So talk to them. Uh privately is best.
Laura Petherbridge: And I often tell parents a great question. It's hard. It's a hard thing to do, but a great question to ask your child after a divorce or the relationship split up, what did I do during the divorce from your mom or dad that caused you pain or that you wish I had done differently?
Jim Daly: Well, that's courageous, but it's good.
Laura Petherbridge: It's very courageous.
Jim Daly: But very good. Laura, this has been fantastic. Thank you. This is not an easy subject. Like you said, church, we kind of look the other way and really I think often we even look the other way when those families are sitting next to us in the pews, right? And what a beautiful way to embrace people where they're at. It doesn't condone anything. We just want to make sure your marriage this time really works and that you can love each other. And remember to strengthen those kids that are in the process of trying to heal and blend and all the complexity of all that. So thank you for being with us.
Laura Petherbridge: I appreciate the invitation.
Jim Daly: And if this is something that would be of help to you or someone you know, we want to encourage you to get a copy of Laura's book. It's called Step Families of the Bible, Timeless Wisdom for Blended Couples. And when you give to the ministry here, we'll send you the book as our way of saying thank you for partnering with us in ministry. And now through a special match here at the end of the year, your gift will be doubled dollar for dollar. So any amount you give, $20 becomes 40 and so on. So give by December 31st and your gift will go twice as far to deliver hope and joy to families in need.
John Fuller: Yeah, get in touch today and partner with us. Laura's book again is called Step Families of the Bible, Timeless Wisdom for Blended Families. As Jim mentioned, when you donate to Focus on the Family, we'll send a copy of that resource. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word family or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Next time author and speaker Becky Harling will share how to find community and build deeper friendships.
Becky Harling: God created us for a relationship with him and his heart aches with longing for a relationship with us. And also spiritual formation happens best within community.
John Fuller: Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. On behalf of the team, I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.